Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
