How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
