Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
