I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
