My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
