Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
