the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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