You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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