That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
