and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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