he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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