You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
