imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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