Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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