Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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