Moan for me like Helen Keller
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
