I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
