So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
