There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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