I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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