How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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