I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
