She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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