Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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