I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
