im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
