about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
