Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
