the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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