I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
