just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
