woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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