He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
