M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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