I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my liver is dry heaving
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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