So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
