There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
