Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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