How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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