the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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