then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My life is pants optional.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
