right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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