eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
