i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
