They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
