I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
