she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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