Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
