I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
