this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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